More contributions to the conversation
from Peggy Flood:
I am afraid I cannot make the meeting, although I would love to be part of this
group. It coincides with my ruminations about writing a solo show, and
one of the themes that keeps coming up for me, is mothering today, particularly
as a creative person, with other tugs on the heartstrings. I would love to talk
to more women about their experiences, and boy does it sound like you've got an
Hope to talk to you this week.
from Lee Bradley:
I love this idea. Krystyna if you can figure out the blog thing that's cool. .
. just spent an hour or so browsing through the Literary Mama link you posted -
thanks for that. Some random thoughts towards next weekend's meeting,
since I won't be here unless we figure out a virtual way for us out-of-towners
to participate. [pause: go check on baby, sleeping soundly in her playpen. get
glass of water. back to computer. /end pause]
so today I'm in LA, and we have this party/open house thing, and I get to see
so many people I haven't seen in the five months we've been living on whidbey
island, in the almost four months since I became a mom. and so many
people want to know. what is it like? being a mom? how is it. being
a mom. and I answer and I answer and I answer. and I wonder all the time if
anything I'm saying is true. if I have any idea what it is, in fact, like.
which I know sounds odd because I am living it and I am it. I think what I
don't know is perhaps how I feel about it? I don't know.
q: what is it like, being a mom?
a: I think what's most different is that I am the kind of person who gets
caught up in what I'm doing, sitting at the computer, reading a book - I don't
get up until I'm done. and now, I get up constantly. and I'm learning patience,
and that it's ok if it takes ten times as long to do something.
q: do you like being a mom?
a: yes, I think I . . . well you know you just look at her and melt. I
get so happy.
q: how do you like being a mom?
a: I like it. It's great, mostly. I have meltdowns, which usually I think
are when I'm overtired.
q: life is different now, huh?
a: oh yeah, so different. wow.
these answers are all correct, they are all things I have figured out,
discovered, thought of in trying to define for myself what has
changed. [pause: baby stirs, go stand near baby's crib. is she waking
or just stirring? signs of distress on face, jerky stretches. quick
run to bathroom to pee, wash hands, come back, pick baby up. sit, nurse, think
some more, solve question. /end pause] now sitting with baby on lap,
typing with one hand, because even though she will stay asleep if I lay her
down for some reason I want to keep her near. what was the answer to
that question? wait, what was the question? :) I like to say I don't
have post-partum depression I have post-partum amnesia. :) [pause: go
lay baby down in crib after all as crimp in neck becomes really
uncomfortable from holding on lap and typing with other hand. /end pause] the
question was, why do I feel a sense of falsness in all my answers to the
questions about motherhood, being a mother? the answer I come up with: in a way
I feel like nothing has changed. I have not changed. I am still me. Now I
have Jessie, and she is amazing and exhausting and distracting and beautiful
and so so sweet, and I am still me. when I go to school [pause: baby
cries. run to other room. stop before getting to crib - no cry. stealthily peek
over sofa... asleep? asleep. /end pause] when I go to school one night a
week, several hours go by when I am consumed with other things, other thoughts.
I think of Jessie on the way home. I wonder if I am a bad mother becuase I
actually didn't think of her for a few hours. I realize that I am a
person defined by many things, one very large one is now motherhood, and it's
still one of many.
So - the reason I don't have good/satisfying answers to the questions: I have
undergone a seismic shift. everything has changed and nothing has
changed. it is indescribable. I don't know what it's like to be a
mother and I don't know what it is like not to be a
mother. I think I need a book club.
from Rebecca Gray:
h my GOD I like that BLOG idea.
from Stephani Nawyn:
You are welcome to share my message, although I don't want to offend anyone. I
think my experience might be unique; other moms might feel more isolation, as
if what they are doing as mothers is invisible. I feel like I'm constantly on
display, and I could use a little some isolation.
And I hear you about being buried in work; I hate setting a workaholic example
for Henry. And I hate the chaos my life has descended into. Perhaps we can
commiserate on that as well.